For a bit of a laugh

I had one of those 'what the hell?!" moments here in Berlin (beginning of the year) I thought I'd share - just for a laugh, nothing else...

So here you are, on your 'discover-as-you-go' walks through the streets of the city... Oh look! Nice looking church right over there... Let me bring out the camera and zoom in... Yes, got it as a main focus of the pic... hmm... what's that sign on the entry of the house, also in focus?... Ahhh!! 'Swingerclub'........... yeah, no big deal. For church goers straight ahead please, for a recreational afternoon to your right.

BERLIN day 17: The Berlinische Galerie

Szabolcs and I have made it to The Berlinische Galerie - a museum of modern art, photography and architecture in the central part of Berlin. I was looking forward to seeing all three exhibitions they have on - the installation work by Michael Sailstorfer, photography by Boris Mikhailov and Art in Berlin Collection 1880-1980.

The central motif of Michael Sailstorfer's installation called 'Forest' is showcasing five trees hanging upside down and revolving around their own axes in a space of the 10-metre high exhibition space. Great video in relation to the artwork can be seen here: www.vimeo.com/41274671.

I must say I jumped in thoughts to Carolee Schneemann, a multidisciplinary artist who pushed boundaries in transforming the definition of art and contemporary discourse on the body, sexuality, and gender. Her 1976 "Up To And Including Her Limits" performing piece was, as she puts it, the direct result of Pollock's physicalised painting process....

 "I am suspended in a tree surgeon's harness on a three-quarter-inch manila rope, a rope which I can raise or lower manually to sustain an entranced period of drawing – my extended arm holds crayons which stroke the surrounding walls, accumulating a web of colored marks. My entire body becomes the agency of visual traces, vestige of the body's energy in motion." – Carolee Schneemann.

Ukrainian-born Boris Mikhailov's "Time is out of joint" 1966–2011 photographic exhibition was a showcase of deeply disturbing images of oppression, poverty, and everyday reality of people left in a state of devastating hopelessness in the wake of the collapse of the Soviet Union, living on the margins of Russia’s new economic regime.

Mikhailov’s 'Case History' series explored his experience returning to Kharkov some years after the collapse of communism. “Devastation had stopped. The city had acquired an almost modern European centre. Much had been restored. Life became more beautiful and active, outwardly (with a lot of foreign advertisements)—simply a shiny wrapper. But I was shocked by the big number of homeless (before they had not been there). The rich and the homeless—the new classes of a new society—this was, as we had been taught, one of the features of capitalism. The series of photos called “Case History” I might equally call the “clinical file of a disease”. It took shape round 1997-1998. A big city, such as Harkov, offered me a great deal of raw material. And I did not miss it, I did not ignore it. I tried to capture the feeling of their helplessness, of their social oppression; I one witnessed a scene whereby a strong young man caviled at a poor guy passing by and kicked him hard. I even thought I had heard the poor man’s bones break. Nobody noticed it, either those nearby, or the militia man patrolling close by. I felt guilty, as I often feel guilty of things I see and take pictures of. Many people tell me that they have noticed such guys only after seeing my photos. Before, they didn’t have eyes for them. I could not say that I am a “chronographer” above all, because I am selecting, even sniffing situations for a long time. They say about me, and now I am repeating myself – because I like the comparison – that I proceed like a cat hiding, watching. I am waiting for the best moment to push the button of the camera. Eventually I do show the raw, direct, non-mediated photographic image. I am not trying to take pictures of sensational things, but rather of those things which are in excess. I am trying to find the unique in that manifold reality itself. Maybe that is exactly what people like, first of all. Even if I am now living in Berlin, I am still bringing my documentary material for new exhibitions from Ukraine. That is my inspiration source. Realities over there are best known to me, even on a large scale."

I felt awful by the end of the exhibition - although I knew what to expect, its depressing subject matter was overwhelming. I was relieved to have finally exited... into the light of the neatly painted corridors of the orderly, clean gallery, and I am thankful I did not get to see any images of cruel reality of what happens to animals in the land of indifference towards as much as a human life. I've seen a couple of such photographs by the same photographer online and I'm not sure if it's possible to ever forget them.

The whole of upstairs was a collection called "Art in Berlin 1880-1980' and represented internationally acclaimed works from the fields of painting, graphic art, sculpture, photography and architecture - art around 1900, Expressionism, Berlin Dada, the Eastern European Avant-Garde, New Objectivity, Art in the National Socialist Era, the New Beginning after 1945 and Positions of the 1950s.

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BERLIN day 11: Topographie des Terrors

I am ecstatic to be back in Berlin with Szabolcs - it's summerly and the city is in full bloom, i get to roam the city (camera in hand) again and finally... after one and a half seemingly endless months... I'm re-united with my darling.

On my last visit I got to know the areas of Berlin well enough to feel completely confident in venturing out on my own, and so without hesitation and with firm day-to-day plans, I've been getting out and about... what I see and experience along the way I shall share here.

I was going to post back to day one (May 1st - day of my arrival), but today, on my way through Potsdamer Platz, I stumbled upon the Topography of Terrors Documentation Center - one of the most frequently visited places of remembrance in Berlin. Its location is at the site where the headquarters of the Secret State Police, the SS and the Reich Security Main Office were located during the “Third Reich”. And its tremendously well presented exhibition, which provides information and visual documentation about persecution and terror of the National Socialist regime, is what I would like to mention today. 

There are two permanent exhibitions - Berlin 1933–1945. Between Propaganda and Terror; and Topography of Terror: Gestapo, SS and Reich Security Main Office on Wilhelm and Prinz-Albrecht-Straße. One addresses National Socialist policy in Berlin 33-45 and its consequences for the city and its population; the other, also mostly based on photographic material, focuses on the central institutions of the SS and police during the “Third Reich” and the crimes that they committed throughout Europe. Topographie des Terrors exhibition's themes were divided into five segments: The National Socialist Takeover of Power; Institutions of Terror (SS and Police); Terror, Persecution and Extermination on Reich Territory; SS and Reich Security Main Office in the Occupied Countries; and The End of the War and the Postwar Era.

Personal impression - what an immense effort in putting documentation of this size together. And, of course, what a truly heartbreaking subject matter - a reality of human race's capabilities in apathy, in lacking empathy (to a degree I cannot quite comprehend) and in endurance – equally.

The photo above is from the exhibition of a captured Russian girl... who has an uncanny resemblance to me! Couldn't stop looking into her face - there she was, my twin of the past, experiencing what we just get to glance at as a 2D fragmented image on the wall.

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Berlin revisited

It's been 6 weeks now that I have returned to Berlin and only now do I find the time to write some things down and post some pictures.

11 years ago I left Berlin and a year later ended up in New Zealand (with a short detour to Vienna), so I was very curious how it was going to be like. With my arrival I just caught the tail end of summer, temperatures soaring for the last time, hitting 30C.

And then fall came all of a sudden. Temperatures dropped, the leaves turned to all sorts of shades of red, amber and yellow. I never used to appreciate how beautiful it gets during fall in Europe. And so far the weather has been excellent, despite being cold it was most sunny and beautiful.

A lot has changed in Berlin, but a lot has also remained the same. It's funny how it differently it smells here. Streets, house, buses. It is like a long lost memory that comes back to you.
I live in the middle of the city in a lovely older-style apartment, 3.5m high ceilings, 4th floor and no elevator. My daily exercise is simply to get back home, 80 stairs each way. It's close to Wittenbergplatz, which is more or less in the centre of the city, making it easy to get anywhere. The subway system is fantastic, fast and efficient. Despite having to change 3 times to get to work, it's very convenient.

The street I live in, Keithstrasse, is a small side street and the apartment is also in a side wing of the street, so it's very very quite. The neighbours are the only ones that are a bit noisy, funny how I never used to be bothered by it.

One of the things I miss in New Zealand and enjoy here is abundance and variety of the markets, especially during the weekends. One is pretty close to me at Winterfeldtplatz, which is a Saturday fruit and veggie and crafts market. Naturally, one of the neighbours to the market didn't appreciate the noise every Saturday and after a long and absurd court battle has managed to get market moved. But that will only happen next April, so while I am here I can enjoy my Saturday shopping there.

And then there are the flea markets with all their junk. It's just fun walking through them and looking at stuff. If only I could bring things back home. At the one at Mauerpark there is another curiosity, one of those crazy things that Berlin is famous for. Open-air karaoke. Totally free.In a small amphitheater a guy started to put up a small stage and karaoke equipment and anyone who wishes can choose a song and preform in front of hundred of strangers. It's totally amazing. If you are somewhat good people will cheer and sing along, if you bad, they'll mercilessly boo you off the stage. It's things like this that I love about Berlin.
Finally I discovered a little piece of New Zealand in the heart of Berlin, Antipodes. A lovely small cafe with a real Long Black and Flat Whites run by Wellingtonians Jane and Paul. Definitely worth a visit, especially if you are desperate for great coffee or just simply homesick.

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Spot the difference!

Both are irresistibly cute, both can't fly, both have large noses, both call New Zealand home... Yes, both are Kiwi!
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Go the All Blacks!

a ka mate, ka mate
ka ora, ka ora
ka mate, ka mate
ka ora, ka ora
tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
a hupane
a kaupane
a hupane, kaupane
whiti te ra
hi!
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Woohoo and wow!!!

Not enough to make a snowball to throw at Szabolcs, but enough snowflakes are coming down right now to make you smile, run in a circle and go woohoo!!!

Reading Herald news online right now: "Snow has fallen in downtown Auckland for the first time in 80 years as a ‘once in a lifetime’ polar blast spreads across New Zealand. Weatherwatch.co.nz this afternoon confirmed snowflakes had fallen in Auckland city centre for the first time since the 1930s."

...wow!

An-ya + Tyo-ma

Meet Artem (or Tyoma, or Tyomushka, or Timusha) - my Godson! Born 24 April 2010, he is an impossibly cute son of friends of mine, Alyona and Oleg - whom I've known for around 15 years now. If you have patience to look through 90+ baby photographs - below is a collection of pics of all to do with Artem, beginning day after birth to present day.

The tradition of being a godparent:

"Godparenting is predominantly a Christian tradition, but the custom of giving a child a supportive extended family is found in many other cultures.

The tradition of godparents can be traced back to the early Christian church, when adults wanting to join the church would be appointed a sponsor to help them make their way on their spiritual journey. Before the 4th century it was rare for babies to be baptized; the role of their sponsors was to assist the child’s mother and father, acting a co-parents, or compadres’ as they are known in Latin and Hispanic cultures.

The part a godparent is expected to play in a child’s life differs according to religion and culture. In the Latin and Hispanic worlds, the tradition has its origins in faith, but the custom has evolved into a very particular kind or friendship and extended kinship. Originally, the role was predominantly spiritual, requiring the godparents to instruct their godchild in religious matters. In Latin and Hispanic communities, the relationship is regarded as being as close as that between blood relatives, and Roman Catholic godparents are still forbidden to marry their godchild.

Although the custom of Godparenting has changed over the years, the sentiment behind it has always remained the same to bless a child with extra love and support.”
I am happy to read something like that last paragraph - that the role of a Godparent is to to be there for a child and in offering extra love and support. Because I fail in the traditional sense of what Godmother is to a child, and that is *deep breath*...

The Church indicates 5 duties for the Godparent:

1. Pray for the godchild regularly (Fail - I only ever pray on the plane from the time of the take-off to its touch-down, with occasional additional prayers during the turbulence)

2. Set an example of Christian living (Fail - I am not sure what the definition of Christian living is... And how would such way of living benefit a child in a better way than mine?)

3. Help the godchild in his or her faith (Fail - given I'm still figuring out what mine is - which at the moment seems to be an accumulation of number of believes through personal experience)

4. Offer encouragement to follow Christ and to fight evil (Fail - this sentence just made me laugh, which is obviously not a reaction a Christian would have...)

5. Help the child to look forward to confirmation (Fail - I just had to Google what confirmation is).

But love and encouragement in whatever this young man will strive for in life (positive things of course, I think we will have to have a different kind of a chat if it will be for drugs, sex and rock'n'roll) and support - in presence and in thoughts - that I can genuinely offer. And so I look forward to being part of this gorgeous baby boy's life!
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Friends, late night, band... fun to the end

This year Szabolcs celebrated 10 years of living in New Zealand. What a perfect excuse to have a huge party... we thought.

A friend offered to play with his band in our backyard, so we personally visited all our neighbours in what was now shaping up to be a very loud evening... and yeah ... it was! 50-or-so guests (we were so happy for many dear friends we haven't seen for quite some time to turn up!), two outdoor fires and not to forget, the main event - Grey Lynn Dogs - playing 7 till 12 to the screams of the dancing crowd!

I think we will give parties a rest for now - neighbours probably experienced 5-years worth of noise in that one evening (a guy we've never met came from a few blocks away to our party, saying the band could certainly be heard from his house, so he thought he might as well join in on fun. He did and was one of the last guests to leave, so obviously did have a good time!).

...A great night in celebration of 10 happy years in this beautiful country.

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Bright sunshiny day

In between harsh drops in temperature and often heavy rain, we've been getting occasional beautiful spells of warm, bright sunshiny days. This morning was one of those, which made our walk at the local Western Park, with doggies and hot coffee in hand, ever more so enjoyable.

Snoopy's daydream

I found this awesome picture online someplace... I think its name is Corporate Snoopy... and it makes me think of Szabolcs. And of this quote: "People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates." ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973.

Point England

I was meant to post about Point England park when we first visited it... in 2010. Szabolcs and I made a mental check of this area as we saw it in perfect view every time we were at the top of Mt Wellington (next post down), so one day we decided to stop guessing, take a drive and see what is it really like.

On our first (and only) stroll of the area we only managed to cover the very front of the reserve, but discovered later that the entire "Point to point walkway" is actually 11+kms (approx 4 hours on foot), stretching all the way to St Heliers Bay!

The route was a visual array of panoramic viewpoints - from beaches to green sports fields, to wide stretches of estuary, to intimate nature reserves, to cow-studded country pastures.

Historically, Point England attracted farmers for generations for its rich, fertile volcanic soils - extensive kumara gardens for Maori, grain and vegetable crops for European immigrants and fresh produce for Chinese market gardeners.

On the day we visited Monty was still with us - adding some gorgeous memories of our happy boy and all his mischief.

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Mt Wellington

Mt Wellington Domain (an extinct volcano, as with most other high grounds in Auckland) is one of our frequent dog-walking destinations. The mountain was named in honour of the Duke of Wellington, but its Maori name - Maungarei - is translated as 'the watchful mountain' or as 'the mountain of Reipae', a Tainui ancestor who traveled to Northland in the form of a bird.

Once you get to the top and walk along the ridge of the crater (most existing volcanoes in Auckland are monogenetic, which means it's unlikely it will erupt again) what you get are some pretty impressive views. From the city centre and its Sky Tower, to the Waitakere Ranges and the Hunua Ranges and the Coromandel Peninsula from the west to the east, Rangitoto, One Tree Hill and the islands of the Hauraki Gulf.

Mt Wellington is the second youngest volcano in the Auckland Volcanic Field, erupting about 9000 years ago. It has a double crater with part of it had been filled with a reservoir, but the deepest part of the crater is still visible.

The entire domain is a dog-off-lead area, which is highly exciting to both JD and Pixie of course. Views shmews... craters, history......... oh look! A wabbit!!!

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6

Happy, and it is indeed, anniversary to Szabolcs and I. Today is 6 years since we got married on top of Mt Victoria, Devonport - on a sunny day, surrounded by a group of loved ones - family and friends.

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Not a Valentine's but just another day

No shooting stars
or softly playing violins,
no wine or flowers,
no fervent sighs
or happy-ever-aftering -
no signs of rainbows
or that magic moon in June -
just an ordinary meeting
on an ordinary afternoon -
but even then
I think we knew
that I would be your home
and my home
would be you...
– Nanushka, "Love", 2005

Photos above are of Szabolcs and I (click to enlarge) - half and half - both photos were not interfered with, apart from cropping. The idea to to do such experiment came from reading a book called "Love from first sight" *please start rolling eyes now*. Sounds cheesy, correct... But I soon found the book and its study of the visual nature of attraction between people rather interesting - it tries to explain what one person might 'seek' in another.

The writer - an artist by instinct and profession - describes how in our search for partner we inevitably fall in one of three "attraction categories" - Harmonism, Prima Copulism and Ecoism. There is never any suggestions that the visual attraction is the main component of any lasting relationship, or that the three categories will ensue in a successful love math, but it does a good job in convincing you that there is a physiognomical match for each and everyone of us - waiting to discover its complement.

Szabolcs and I seem to fit into Ecoism category - our facial features appear to 'echo' each other. "The outer person reflects the inner being, and Ecoists therefore tend to be similar kinds of people. This is the love group of soulmates."

Today is a "Say-I-Love-You-To Those-You-Do" Day. Whereas it should be just another day you say it to your loved ones.

Backtrack #5: Vipassana Meditation

In December last year I've attended a 10-day Vipassana Meditation course which ended up being - without exaggeration - the most difficult, as well as the most rewarding, experience of my life.

I've often heard of people who've done the course. if I ever met any and asked 'how was it", there was always a pause, then they would say that it was 'great' and 'rewarding' and that they would 'recommend it to everyone'. And nothing else. Having completed the course myself, I think I now understand the reason for so little information offered by people with Vipassana experience - the pause and the limited answers is because you just don't know how to begin to describe your ordeal, which I believe is profoundly different for everyone (since the results are based on individual's own efforts). When I try to describe what it was like for me, I personally pause to gather my thoughts - how do you even begin to tell what is essentially a life-changing experience? Also, words such as 'life-changing' and 'truly amazing', used without in depth information, tend to scare people. Sounds like a cult I guess - "Yep, I went to a retreat and it has changed my life!"... But that's precisely what happened to me.

My reasons for going to the retreat were exactly what the Vipassana practitioners ask you NOT to use as a reason for joining - I had to get away ("What Vipassana is not: it is not an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life")... My life wasn't hard, I wasn't under much stress, nor was I unhappy, but I couldn't say that I was happy either - I found myself mostly finding faults in and around me, and I was letting it upset me; I constantly imagined the worst; my mind was always racing and I was beginning to take my dissatisfaction out on those around me. I was doing harm to others as well as myself - this feeling of frustration would arise from my mind and manifest itself in physical pain and discomfort (you know the expression - "a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach").

Szabolcs said I always moaned in my pre-sleep, I had constant nightmares and wasn't sleeping well. People, noise, routine and non-stop expectations, by me and of me, got on my nerves. I just had enough and was starting to think of two options - become a pretend Tom Hanks in 'Castaway' for a period of time at some cozy secure location and have no-one but 'Wilson-the-ball" for a company. Or go to Vipassana retreat - where I will not speak for 10 days and where all electronic addictions, which have become my life, will be taken away for the entire period. "Peace and quiet," I thought. "I will sit there day after day, day dream and resolve my negativities"... Yeah right.

Szabolcs dropped me off at Vipassana Meditation Centre in Kaukapakapa, near Auckland on Wednesday, 8 December. Course was to conclude 7:30am Sunday, 19 December.

Day One, 9 December: What have I done?
On the eve of the 8th our group of approximately 30 women and 20 men (sexes mixed in meditation hall for a duration of meditation only) had our first Hall Sitting during which we made a pledge of moral conduct - to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, lying, and intoxication. We were then asked to concentrate on our (non-controlled) breathing through our first hour of meditation and to begin observing Noble Silence - meaning that any form of communication with other student, even by gestures, was now prohibited for the entire stay. This rule has a profound meaning within technique as I later learned for myself - it removes you from any new (verbal or interpersonal) impressions, which would have added to your already cluttered mind. As the course progresses you also begin to understand the significance of all other rules and regulations - that they are based on years of practical meditating experience, and that they are both scientific and rational.

That first night I hardly slept - I got a room which shared wall with a shower and toilet facilities right by my head, plus kitchen and sitting area above me. Other women were obviously restless on their first night because from 9.30pm till around midnight I listened to: toilet doors open and shut, peeing noise (every drop), water running, showers dripping, steps in and out - every 5 to 10 minutes. 4am in the morning we were awaken by a bell, and I only had couple of hours sleep. That I was frustrated would be a huge understatement - I was livid! Leaving crossed my mind numerous times that day... as did "what have I done?!".

Our daily routine:
4.00 am: Morning wake-up bell
4.30-6.30 am: Meditate in the hall or in your room
6.30-8.00 am: Breakfast break
8.00-9.00 am: Group meditation in the hall
9.00-11.00 am: Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11.00-12.00 noon: Lunch break
12noon-1.00 pm: Rest and interviews with the teacher
1.00-2.30 pm: Meditate in the hall or in your room
2.30-3.30 pm: Group meditation in the hall
3.30-5.00 pm: Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5.00-6.00 pm: Tea break
6.00-7.00 pm: Group meditation in the hall
7.00-8.15 pm: Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8.15-9.00 pm: Group meditation in the hall
9.00-9.30 pm: Question time in the hall
9.30 pm: Retire to your own room. Lights out

Each meditation sitting started with 1). an audio recording of S.N. Goenka's (the principal teacher of Vipassana Meditation) chanting, recited by Goenka in Pali (the original language of Buddha) - those were the wishes of peace, health, and well-being providing a comforting environment for students; 2). A 5-minute audio guidance through the technique directly from Goenka.

7pm each night we were shown an hour long video of Goenka (taped while leading a 10-day course some 20 years ago) delivering a Dhamma Discourse, which was a summery of our daily experiences and technique practices day by day.

Our first video proved to be a turning point of my stay - he made me want to stay by giving an insight to what's to come. The entire practice is to be our mental training - we were going to work in developing a healthy mind and it was going to be achieved through our personal hard work. We were going to learn the nature of how one grows or regresses and how one produces or frees oneself from misery - through increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace.

How could I not want to give it a try, especially as it became clear that I shall experience what I practice. In quoting Buddha: "Don't blindly believe what I say. Don't believe me because others convince you of my words. Don't believe anything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts. Don't rely on logic alone, nor speculation. Don't infer or be deceived by appearances... Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself give up the bad and embrace the good."

Such wisdom - the scientific laws of thoughts, feelings, judgements and sensations becoming clear;
Such practice - helping eradicate your mind from deep-set complexes through direct experience;
Such technique - a way of self-transformation which has nothing to do with organized religion or sectarianism and is equally beneficial to all...
...what's not to like?

End of Day One however, 10 hours of meditation later, I was exhausted. I pulled a pillow over my head, growled at the sounds of yet another peeing fellow student across the wall and fell asleep.

Day Two-Five, 10 to 13 December: Wah-weee!
For the next couple of days, 10 hours a day, we sat and we observed. Breath in, breath out. As thoughts raced in, I was to just get back to observing my breath... As is, uncontrolled, natural - in, out. Whatever sensations I encountered, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, I was to acknowledge them without reacting, then get back to observing my breath. This daily exercise was to gradually teach us to understand the universal law of life - all we are, all around us and all we experience shall pass, and that we are not helping ourselves by ways of blind reaction. It was also to teach us be in control over the mind, by learning (to begin with) to fix our attention on the natural reality of the ever changing flow of breath. Whatever change in breath and sensations we encountered we were taught to just observe it without loosing our mental balance.

Same applied to thoughts. I was now beginning to learn how to stop dwelling on the past - which is just that - a past, and how to stop my illusions of the future (most of them nothing more than a fragment of my wild imagination, a non-reality). Important to mention that the Vipassana technique is not to teach you to stop thinking, which is kind of impossible, but it is to teach you how to treat your thoughts as guests. If your mind is your home, you have every right not to welcome every knocking thought inside. Thoughts shall travel past your door / your mind / your house, and it's up to YOU which of those you choose to welcome in.

By Day Three my mind was clearly more focused. I was dumbfounded how calm it was becoming and found it was especially evident at night - for example I no longer reacted to any noise or sensations (of which I was aware so much more now). I was caught by surprise on the eve of Day Three - I had no feeling of agitation. None. I peacefully fell asleep to the sounds of running shower next to my head... I woke up twice in the night because I dreamed I was laughing out loud and I was trying to laugh in my sleep. I felt light... and so happy. No words can describe such personal development experience, though it might not seem profound to someone else. I was gradually changing on a physical level, all that - just by means of observation of the sensations throughout the body and development of equanimity by learning not to react to them. "Wah-wee!" indeed.

Day Six-10, 14 to 18 December: Four, three, two, one...
End of Day Five our group was introduced to the next step of the Vipassana technique which began with a two-hour still sitting, during which we were asked not to react to any of our sensations (previously we would just move if in discomfort) and strongly discouraged from leaving the room. I was expecting it to be much more difficult, but my body settled into a cozy state and though I had plenty of gross sensations along with some pleasant ones, I was too occupied observing them to notice time.

The step forward was that we were now concentrating our attention on the sensations of the whole body, not just on sensations of the breath. We were covering every bit of our body - up and down, again and again. Goenka's audio guided us through the entire process. I've heard some people have amazing mind-boggling experiences through this exercise of continuous self observation, when all bodily sensation form into one, passing waves of energy (sensations) through body, bringing them into state which can only be described as 'nirvana'. Being a beginner, or in line with my own capabilities and efforts, I didn't get to experience any of the often described "out of this world" experiences, but I most certainly got to know so much more about myself.

I learned about the impermanent state of all things, along with our bodies, emotions and sensations.
I learned how to be in control without being controlling.
I learned the importance of letting go, of forgiving and asking for forgiveness and not being smug in doing so.
I learned that just burring particular emotions/issues or pushing them aside will not be helpful long term as they do not just disappear, but through observation without reaction, they will come onto the surface in full clarity. Most of those issues are unwelcome guests - I learned to show them to the door. This final stage of the technique taught me the practice of 'how to'.

The Indian word "Vipassana" loosely translates into English as "to see things as they really are". We, our group of students, were gradually learning to understand the law of universe - that all things are impermanent and that is the biggest lesson I brought home with me. Not everything in life will go according to plan. In fact... what plan? Whose plan? Life is - as is, and not everything we wish for will come to be, in fact - far from it. I learned that I must live in the 'now' and understand that life doesn't and will not go according to my wishes and desires. It just goes!

All miseries begin with people placing blame for their own discontent and disappointments onto others or onto outside factors. In reality, it's choosing your own actions and thoughts - that is what will have a direct impact on the course of your life. The beauty of Vipassana technique is that it works on the understanding that all human beings share the same problems - cravings, aversion and ignorance - and that such technique, universally applicable, can help eradicate them.

It is also important to understand that by completing the course you will not be turned into this enlightened, pure human being. What you will leave with depends on you and your efforts only. But I believe all those who finish the course will take away some sort of personal revelation with them, which may only better their life, as it did with mine.

There is a reason it's said that Vipassana is an art of living, a way of life.
"While it is the essence of what the Buddha taught, it is not a religion; rather, it is the cultivation of human values leading to a life which is good for oneself and good for others." (www.medini.dhamma.org)

On Day 10 we were allowed to talk after our morning meditation session - the centre buzzed! People mixed and mingled and the noise was overwhelming, though welcomed! The next morning, 19 December, all students got stuck into cleaning and soon after one by one people left the premises, which were now being prepared for the next group's arrival.

Szabolcs was waiting outside. We gave each other lots of hugs and kisses, I cuddled pups, and we were on our way home. Szabolcs later said he wasn't sure what to expect - what state I'd come out in. Apparently I turned up same as the wife he dropped off, much to his relief. Though I'm sure he might have noticed some subtle changes in me. I sure have.

I no longer get easily irate, not like I used to. I am no longer afraid of the dark (this is completely weird but I do get how that came about!). I move away from unnecessarily stressful situations and try think of consequences of what I say and how I act. If my mind wonders towards dreadful, I stop myself and move towards relevant (and smile when I realize i did it). I no longer moan in my pre-sleep. And I sleep well.

May all things be happy.

Thank you for reading.

Photo above - is of little things I collected daily around the Meditation Centre during my walks, to remind me that I got through another day and that I am that one day closer to coming home.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Today is 4 Years since Szabolcs was in the accident. And survived! Today we toasted with coca-cola and tomato juice over lunch, to life of course, and to (preferably) another 40 years of it. Photo is from today, when I surprised Szabolcs with taking him along with George and Maria, to experience a Simulated Flight Experience at Ardmore Airport (Manukau). I think he had lots of fun.

Farewell my little boy

On the 7/01/11 Sashenka, our furry member of the family for 13 years, has gone to sleep.

Once upon a time, an art student (me, broke, living with parents, restless), came across a pet-shop in a suburb of Blockhouse Bay with a window display consisting of 1 cage, few yellow newspapers and a tiny fluffy puppy leaning against cage rails. At first I just played with him every couple of days, but few weeks later I felt terribly sorry for him, though this puppy always 'smiled' and wiggled enthusiastically at every passing motion. Then I began to feel distressed - this was the worst pet-shop I've ever been to (small, smelly, stuffed beyond capacity, with all animals looking nothing short of miserable) and this puppy been locked up in a full-sun window spot for nearly a month. I went in and inquired.

The owner of the pet-shop (really odd man as I remember) said that I'm cuddling a pure bred Chihuahua, a boy, who is going for a fantastic price of $400. I knew nothing of the dog breeds etc (about this later), I just hoped he would say "50 bucks and he is yours" as I had probably half that in my account at the time, so that's all I could afford. Then there are parents. Their house, their rules. And my (then) long term partner, Mark, but I knew it won't take much to convince him to get a puppy!

Mum and Dad categorically and loudly said "NO" in unison. But I was secretly hoping they might be in denial. I took Mark to the pet-shop and he asked "when can we get him?!". I checked my account and I was in the minus... so I borrowed from my student loan and almost a month after I first spotted Sashka (or Sasha or Sashenka) as we quickly named him, we brought him Home.

I think mum was in love with him from the very beginning. He made us all laugh so much as he ran non-stop in circles, in a clear relief of being out of confined space he was prisoner of until now. He was just adorable.

Mark and I tried to take good care of him. I admit we were out a lot, so thankfully my parents were there to keep an eye on him, but he would wait for us all day long. We took him for walks and played with him at my parent's vast garden every day. Later when we moved out he came with us to our rented property. We both had to work so my parents often came to see how Sasha was doing. I felt really upset after talking to my mum few years ago, she said that Sashenka was very lonely during that period and they felt really bad for him. He had to stay outside while we were out - we didn't have a doggie door and weren't allowed to install one, which meant he had to spend most of the day along, on the deck. I was in my 20s and too out there to stop and think how this sort of life might be affecting him.

Then Mark and I separated and this was the toughest period for our little boy. I couldn't take care of him as I moved from place to place and had a completely unsettled routine. Then I received a heartbreaking phone call from Mark to tell me that he no longer wants to keep Sasha. He had a stable home so I couldn't understand the reason. I remember he said "I don't want" and not "I can't", which I always hoped was somehow a misunderstanding. He didn't elaborate and I felt so upset, I just said, 'no worries' and called my parents. Mum soon called back to say that they wish to take care of him. Soon after Sashenka moved back into their house which he first called his Home. That's also when he stopped being 'my baby' as the role of 'mum and dad' was now fulfilled, full time, by my parents.

When Mum and Dad relocated to Australia, Sashenka traveled with them. He settled really well in Perth and every time Szabolcs and I would visit we saw just how much he was cared for. Mum, Dad and even Grandparents took him for walks, bathed him, hand-made him his sleeping bed, cooked for him often, spoke to him, cuddled him lots.

A funny Sashka story: As Mark and I brought him Home from the pet-shop we rushed out to buy a pet breeds book. He was pure bred Chihuahua, so we thought we better educate ourselves! A few months after we got him, sneaky suspicions started to occur. For one, he was growing well past your average Chihuahua dimensions. More like double the size (Szabolcs, with fits of laughter, always refers to Sashenka as "giant Chihuahua"). Secondly, his ears were supposed to be large and perky. Ours had little floppy ears. Mark and I read in the book that if in couple of months his ears are still down we should encourage its growth and strength by massaging it daily. And so we did... Poor Sasha endured all that nonsense till we finally accepted that our boy is... well... different :) I never knew what to say when people asked. "He is a long haired Chihuahua"? or "He might be mixed breed"? No idea! Who cares?! He was very much loved and cared for, that's what he was.

During 2010 Sashenka's strength and stamina went down and then down some more. He began to loose sight till it was completely gone and at the same time he lost his hearing also. Mum and Dad's touch was all he could depend on. My parents put up a long battle to keep him well in his last months by keeping an eye on him at all times - among numerous things - carrying him either to the nearest park or, as he deteriorated, just to the outdoor area at the back of the house for toilet. A visit to the vet and full blood tests a week ago confirmed what already was suspected - he is far from well and there is no chance for recovery. He was cooked his last meal and then taken by dad for his last visit to the pet doctor.

Sad, tears, sad.

What's important to remember... what a wonderful life he had and how many people loved him. Farewell, Sashenka.

+ PHOTOS

Signs that I am getting older :-)

I remember that my grand parents always had a radio in the kitchen. It was there in the background, playing music or more likely chatting away with the news.

Now the only time I listen to the radio is while driving alone, and I am actually quite fond of National Radio. I often listen to some interview or news piece later on the internet, but more often than not I just forget to follow up. But it would be nice to listen to the news in the mornings, while having breakfast or having a cup of tea. Or while doing something mundane like cleaning, doing the dishes or ironing. Actually I find that an interesting interview or piece help me get on with such mundane work far better than music.

So off I went to Dick Smith and bought this portable little radio and put it in the kitchen window. I had to smile, it suddenly bought back memories of my grandparents kitchen.

Today is the last day of Anya's course, I am picking her up tomorrow morning. I wonder how it all went and what state she will be in. After all that quietness the rush of the real world will hit her like a wave. It's been a long 10 days. And with the storm predicted to come in tonight, I hope she will be well out there in the sticks. Anyway, "rescue" is on it's way tomorrow morning. I even have my special rescue dogs with me, just in case.

Instructions for me, left by Anya. :-) I have been following them religiously, but today there is no need. Rain has been falling since yesterday and with it cooler air replace the moist heat that we had for the last few days. I have been wondering how Anya is coping with the heat, I could barely move and brought up the fan from underneath the house.

JD and Monty have been suffering from heat rashes, scratching away like there is no tomorrow. I hardy got any sleep last night. One would stop and the other one would start up. Bed shaking, floor thumping, scratch, scratch, scratch.

3 more sleeps and then Anya is back.

Someone has had a haircut

It's been really hot and humid lately, and the dogs are scratching themselves to bits, despite being treated for fleas. So I took JD in today to get a good short cut, feet and paws included. Poor JD was suffering from the heat and despite looking very sulky in the picture, he is actually really happy. He just refused to smile for the camera. Children!

Monty got a shower this morning, it was remarkably easy, he didn't protest much at all. I guess it helped him cool down a bit.

Anyway, both dogs a nice and shiny and smell great. :-)

X'd Box

Yes, I have gone cold turkey and have lent my Xbox to a friend for summer. At least 6 weeks of rehab for me. It has become very addictive again and has kept me from doing things that I want to do and more importantly need to do.

Anya will be happy when she returns. Just 6 more days to go. I am missing her lots. So are the boys. Every time we get home from a walk they search the house and are disappointed not to find her at home. The house is very empty without her, but not being able to talk to her makes it far worse than just being apart.

Taumarunui revisited

Taumarunui is a small town by the Whanangui River in the middle of King County, just about 4 hours south from Auckland. We came through here the last time we traveled with our camp*paw*van because of it's location close to Auckland and because of the Holiday Park on the banks of the river which is also dog friendly. I didn't think I'd be rushing back anytime soon.

My parents were traveling around the north island with my uncle, and stayed a the bottom of Mt Ruapehu in Ohakune. And on Thursday driving up Ohakune Mt Road around 12 kms into the Journey the car broke down. Bang. Refused to start again. Luckily a bus taking some bikers up the mountain picked them up on the return trip and took them to their hotel.

They managed to track down down the only person with a tow-truck in Horopito, Colin Fredricksen, who runs Horopito Motors, the largest and only vintage car dismantlers in Australasia. He towed our car the very same day off the mountain, but was also unable to locate the fault.

So the next day the towed the car up to Taumarunui, about 70kms up north, to an auto electrician. But even by the end of the day, there was no solution in sight, so I decided to rush down, just in case. Best case I was doing a quick road trip, worst case was that I had to bring my parents back in case the fixing of the car took longer.

So on Friday night at 6 I call up the Holiday Park in Taumaranui, grabbed the dogs and by 630 I was on my way. Four hours and a couple of doggy stops later I arrived again in Taumarunui. The owners kindly prepared the bed for me and even allowed JD and Monty to stay in the cabin if I promised not to let them on the bed. Needless to say the dogs were aghast , but reluctantly complied and proceeded to wake me up every hour by shuffling around the small room.

Next morning I carried on to Ohakune, picked up my parents and went to settle the bill with Colin. And wow, he has a a fascinating yard and museum, full of old cars and spare parts galore. Even if you are not into cars, it is sure worth a visit. It's one of those little gems that you so easily would pass on by if you didn't stumble on it by accident. Have a look at the photos below.

Onwards to Taumarunui, again, where we waited until 11 am and finally, gratefully, the car was fixed. Yeah!!!!

And off we went back home again, I arrived back around 330pm. A total trip of 21 hours but I was exhausted. And so where the dogs. It was quite and adventure for them and they had long and short walks and sniffs and lots of driving.

Anyway, here are the photos of Horopito Motor Vintage Car Museum. Thanks to Colin, Doug (the electrician) and the unknown bus driver who all helped my parents. Great kiwi spirit you all showed!

+ Photos

All by myself!!!

Anya embarked today on a 10-day meditation course. She had this idea for a while now, and while I was pretty skeptical to begin with, once I assured myself that this is neither some religious cult nor some obscure profit-making organisation, I knew that there was no stopping her.

So I dropped her off today, some 60 km north of Auckland in the middle of nowhere. Well, actually it's quite beautiful situated in a forest just north of Helensville. Of course, just as we passed the last petrol station, our petrol light came on. But we carried on regardless, I was pretty sure there was enough petrol to drop Anya off and get back to Helensville. (There was!) Nevertheless, Anya was already a bit nervous and this didn't help.

When we arrived, I took JD and Monty for a quick walk, they had been in the car for a while and were desperate for some exercise. Despite keeping them on the lead, I got told off by some woman (I guess she belonged to the place). Anya was grabbing her stuff and talking to the other participants, I hushed the dogs quickly in the car, kissed Anya goodbye and off I went. It all happened so fast, I wish we had taken a bit more time to say goodbye.

The course is offered by Vipassana Centre New Zealand and it is mostly done in silence. No cellphones, no TV, no books, no music, no internet, nothing. Cut off from the outside world. Pretty tough if you ask me. I certainly couldn't do it.

It's a really strange feeling, being home alone. While Anya and I have been apart for longer than 10 days, when I was working overseas or when she was in Perth visiting her parents, we were in contact at least every other day. We never went longer than 2 days not talking to each other. While I was in Jeddah we talked every day on Skype.

So I can safely say that we have never been apart for so long. Alone knowing that makes it a totally different experience. I am home alone and have been before, but knowing that this will continue until next Sunday is quite unsettling.

The house is very quite, the boys are relaxing somewhere, yet JD is certainly missing his mummy. He has been looking for her. And I don't really know what to do with myself.

Anyway, Anya and I have this silly little ritual when one of us leaves for a while. The person staying behind starts singing this terrible song, purposely way out of tune (not that it's hard for us), All By Myself, by Eric Carmen. So I looked it up on YouTube. The original is truly unbearable, the duet with Celine Dion only marginally better. Well here it is, for all of you to enjoy. Or not. :-)